At the time I am writing this, it is one month since I dropped my daughter at college. The pictures on Instagram of the meticulously planned out and organized dorm room are now quite old. I now watch to see what she posts, just so that I know she’s alive, but stopped watching her progress in Find My Phone (I admit, I did do that at the beginning). With hopes that the room sometimes returns to that state of pristine order, I periodically check in with texts to just see “what’s new?” “how are things with your roommates?” “do you need anything?” –glad she does not, with a little part of me hoping she does.
My daughter is my second child to go to college and the experience is markedly different than with my son. While I try hard not to make comparisons between my two very different children, I also find that there is a common thread of how parents of college students are always trying to strike a balance between fostering their children’s independence and providing an appropriate level of support so that they are successful.
Focusing here on academics, by mid-October all the orientation sessions are long over. Students have settled into their classes and have largely made their way through the introductory course material. Outlines tell them the timeline for assignments, tests, and the way grades will be weighted. This is typically different from what they have experienced in high school—college classes tend to have much fewer graded assignments and tests and, consequently, the grades count for more. A student could be well into the semester before they see any grades at all, and one bad grade can be difficult to overcome.
Also, being in college means having significant unstructured time, with a seemingly endless menu of activities from which to choose. For many students, this can be challenging. It is not unusual to see students who previously had no difficulty at all keeping up with assignments in their very structured high school environments now struggling with time management, prioritization, and workloads.
As parents, we have to adjust to a new world in which parent portals no longer exist. We do not have direct lines of communication to teachers (nor should we). Our children may not be forthcoming with information about workload, grades, or their daily activities. They are on their own for the first time-so it is natural that they want to try to navigate these things on their own. This can oftentimes result in conflicts between parents and their college students.
In my experience, as both a parent and as an advocate who works with college students with special needs, my number one piece of advice is this—make a plan together, that focuses on accessing all of the resources available from your student’s college. This includes:
● asking for accommodations from the disability services office
● attending office hours for all professors on a regular basis
● using the writing centers
● finding tutors – I suggest you contact GAMECHANGER Tutoring Connection if you need academic support
● forming study groups with other students at regular times
● building study time into weekly schedules
● meeting with student and faculty advisors, and
● accessing wellness supports and activities.
Many college students also benefit from having a tutor or coach from GAMECHANGER Tutoring Connection, or an advocate who can assist with these tasks. This lets parents be parents -so that not every conversation you have with your child is about a ‘to do’ list, but about all the great things your child is now accomplishing, on their own. And chances are, they will still call you when they need you, even if it is just because they ran out of snacks.
With a background as a litigation attorney, Tara now dedicates herself to special education and disability advocacy. Tara has a conflict resolution based practice with a goal of helping students get back on the path to academic success quickly. She especially loves working with students as they transition to life after high school. To learn more, visit www. Tarafappiano.com or email her at [email protected].
